My Blog

My head is ringing this morning….. a feeling that is rare but nonetheless welcomed today…..

I find that when something heady and complicated to express verbally are best penned down whether in reality or virtually….. somethings are meant that way….

A dream last night woke me up forcefully eventhough I hardly had much rest yesterday…It was extremely wicked and totally not the kind of sweet serenity and slumber that I wished for.

A child… barely 5 years old judging from his height in my dream……was standing alone in the middle of a very big bed…

the boy looked relaxed…not smiling…not laughing…..and jumping and waving his arms in the air….he was pointedly looking at me as if trying to bid me coming nearer…… which i did……

When I reached the bedside……a woman appeared…..holding a baby….but the boy has disappeared….. As I stepped back…confused…another woman stood beside me…..holding a kitchen knife!!…..without a word…..she sliced my wrist!!!…

I don’t remember muchafter….. but that scene still plays in my head…it woke me up….with a heavy dizziness that I couldn’t shake off…….

too much for one night……..

A day goes by and I wonder what to be

When my heart flees to the sun

Yet my mind stays behind…

The day goes by

And I’m still wondering why

Even when its clear what he meant it by

I’m reluctant to comply…

Why dear?

So long the journey we’ve gone through

And not alone on this world

My hand is here in front of you

My heart I gave to you

Yet you refuse to make a sound

Giving space to silence for once……………………………………

Aniq,

Please….

Frown not upon my silence….

As you know me better,

I am not one to rush forth on life eternally

Doesn’t mean we forget each other…

It is not my choice to be bound to earth….

Yet, bound to her I am….

Dear breeze of my heart,

To be tied down I will not

For I will struggle with myself…

Keep me not close to your heart…

For my life is too large…

Saviour to the lost,

Hold me not to the ground…

Even if it is meant for my safety….

For my soul cannot be conquered ….

And my life has to be free…

Maybe its not meant to be….

Julius of my Ceaser

I know this is painful

I know I am being cruel….

A knife that slice through your heart….

A sword that guts your spirit and willpower…

But what choice do I have….

What choice do I have…..

What choice do I have…….

Lord,

When u call upon my faith

U never told me what is at stake

A demand that is so great

It turns my heart ice cold

Threatens to choke me and no one told

Lord,

Why did you take away my one hope

Why all the big sell to test my stand

When all I asked in return is ur compassion and forgiveness

I wouldn’t asked otherwise

Dear oh dear,

The one I have been searching for is taken from me

When I least thought it would be

And she goes away when I least expect it to happen to me

Lord,

Have I done something wrong

Have I Offend u in the greatest measure that my graces fall

She is all that I ever wish to be with

A reason that I survive and will be for eternity

Please return her to me

For she’s the only person Meant the world to me

Please return her to me

With all my heart and on my knees

She is all I need to be me…..

What…

Is it meant a deliberation..

a means to retaliate in open public…

have not u the consideration? have not u the thoughts of a human being!!!

what the b****y H**L is wrong with you?..

a mere coincidence or is it a shot meant to humiliate?

The world exist in cooperation an understanding that BY GOD lived longer than us all…

An this is the reply i get For pointing out the truth? for showing you patiently the path to take..

and you think a mere "I’m Sorry" in private is all it takes? B******T!!!

Get your big head in ice bucket!!!! wake up u B****Y I***T!!!!

I’m Talking in the nicest way any normal human can ever do in this ridiculously S****D situation!!!!

What makes you think it is enough?!!!

S**P you up and K**K your A** is what I should do!!!!!

You spoilt rotten unworthy Beligerent Inhuman Pesticidial Illbegotten lump of THING!!!!

YOU…………masacred twisted blue-headed Amputated-brain crossed-eyed…… THING!!!!!!

Urgghhh!!!

U should be slain like the worthless piece of S**T u are!!!!!!!

******Go to the hospital and buy a clue!!!**************

SO life wasn’t meant to be all gracious and flowery flirtation…its reality.. deal with it..

I have turn the age where I am no longer a teenager!!!!

I am a young adult…..

a responsibility to prove the world that i earned it…

yet deep inside the question lingers……have i?

turning into an adult is rather scary….

I am a bit lost as to how to proceed with my life right now…

do i continue with the same situation i am in right now….

or do i make a move and change my life to what i have really dreamed about?

I have been rather spoiled in the last 25 yrs that life seems alienated from me….

my heart is set on moving towards certain changes that are rather crude and drastic….

this couple of months ahead will be the start of a plan that i have had in my head for a very long time….

i am not sure whether i am ready or not…..

i am not entirely certain what will be my obstacle to overcome..

i do not even know where my changes should start as there are so much……

but one thing i know….

this is it……

I am moving on….

not ever to look back…

not ever to ponder insecurity

not even to absorb the fear in me…..

I am going……

Its not normal for a person not to love holidays….

I mean who in the world (minus nerds who r constantly in front of the pc) doesn’t love the notion to brake away from their rutine life and just go out doing somthing they don’t normally do……..****creepy****

There’s a shadow in front of your eyes…

when u hear nothing but what u create in your mind

a cloudy sky that’s forever there

a chilly breeze that stops us breathing air

stop all these momentum pressure

stop thee the horrors of depression

stop…and look around for that’s y god gave sight to our eyes…

just the other day…

we are all like a bottle..

without signature and individuality to mark us who we are…

as we grow taller…

our mind shuts out the notion

that life could be better if we try

STAND UP ALL OF YOU

look up to what is new..

turn around and get the best view you never thought before…

STAND UP ALL OF YOU

open wide ur sight n sound

listen to the colours that none paid attention before

we are free….

not machines

goes a long way to realize it to each and everyone of us…

let ur heart fly to the sky

try to untie those flood gates holding u back

for until u do

u will never know who u are….

…………………………

a life…

is not just another soul

is not just another name

is not just another pain……….

a life…

is an individuality

is a state of reality

and a decision that u can do alone

To be or not to be……………..

hence this is us to proceed ……

R we Happy?