My Blog

Yeah…

I did something I’m not proud off just now

May not be much to most

Heck, May not even mean that much to me in the long run..

But sad to admit that I did something I am not proud off

Prick my conscience that I actually think of it as something not worth worrying

Stab my heart that I thought the world can still go on without leaving a scar behind…

And it hurts like devil’s teeth when I knew in my heart it is not going to change my perception of this world…

Isn’t there anything in this world can make me stop to think of the consequences of my actions?

Where is my inner sixth sense?

that helps me not make a fool of my self?

I really need to wake up and smell the air

thinking of it gives me chills I never knew would effect me that much…

What I did has no effect whatsoever to me… but the thought that what I did could harm someone else out there….. I am afraid….

gone the wind of calm….. hurricane is more like it…. I am going to start babbling….

Some say…
that it takes a tragedy to wake us up

some say..
that it takes a sad breeze to keep us
on the edge

some say…
that it takes a single word to convey
what is in your heart..

I have lost…..
The greatest love I have always have
but hardly have the time to voice
it….
< BR>No…that is not correct…
I have voiced it out loud for
years….so many years…that it burns
into the hearts that I have said it to
without any regrets…

I have laughed and screamed and jumped
and lay down my life for the one I put
my heart in…

(This is not easy for me..)

I told myself I will not cry
As I am writing this down for all to
read…
I told myself I shall not shed a tear
no matter how I try to…for the need
to convey these feelings into words …

But I am crying silently…inside my
heart…inside my mind…in my blood
and in my thoughts…

the wound would not go away…

but I believe…I must continue to
breath and live for him who has passed
away ….. away from us all…

I remember it like a fresh breeze
blowing to my face…
he is our angel…
he is our whole life…..
the day he came into our world….all
our plan went to the dust bin

he was our plan from then on…our
future.. .
we took all the burden…as much we
could to make life easier for the
golden angel…

The day he started to sit on his own
effort…we celebrated with shouts of
joy….
the day he started to stand on his own
two feet….our hearts just burst into
tears….so much so..that when he
began to walk at the age of almost 3
years old…we all left our lives
behind and stood proud beside
him…taking him on walks to all his
favourite places….(the
supermarkets!!)

it was never easy on him…. all the
things other children thought to do on
a whim….he has to think carefully
and ponder on the consequences…
even the stairs going to our parents
room seems a mile away for him to
reach…
I cannot begin to describe the worry
and overprotective feeling the whole
family has towards him…he really is
our angel…

seeing him open his eyes and looked at
us with wonders in his eyes after the
surgery was like a blessing straight
from God…we will always remember
that time……

We felt overjoyed when we saw his excitement having taken his first walk along the hospital corridor without the faintest spell of nausea…not a drop of tear or exasperation.. nor was there any sign of tiring or exhaustation… what we saw was a young boy.. blooming with health… face so flushed with joy we could not help but share the feelings together…

we were overjoyed….

truly content that our angel made it through with God’s blessing… unharmed and well..

the years continue to walk by us… giving the family ‘Baby boy" a chance to know the world properly… having the opportunity to see what only half the world could ever imagine life outside turned to be…

we call him our ‘Baby boy’ for his wishes are always our top priority….come day or night… no matter how long it takes or how hard it turned out to be…. his every wishes we will always give and provide without any regrets…

he truly was our family’s pride and joy.

there was nothing that he could truly do wrong with… no mistake was too great that we would likely forget our love for him… and he grew up to be the perfect boy…

he is God’s Angel with a smile always sticking to his face… and the twinkling in his eyes that speak volumes of his coming mischiefs….

We tried our very best to show him what the real world looked like without us as the centre face…

saying ‘Thank Yous’ and ‘Hellos’ and I’m Sorry’ whenever called upon…

givng out  ‘Assalamualaikum’ and ‘wa’alaikumsalam’…. shaking hands and hugging people whenever he can……

saying simple prayers was something we were very proud of as he showed his understanding of the need to know his roots…

We all Love him…Always will….

it was a sad day and a blessing when God decided that he loved our ‘Baby boy’ most…

the medication was only helping to support his survival for soo long…. he left us…. for good..on his elder brother’s lap… with his younger sister beside him…the heart gave away through years of struggling to become normal…..

I do not know what actually happened….I do not know what he was thinking…. and I do not know what he was looking for…. but I do know that a part of all of us went with him…… for ever…. that I truly know of…

We have no regret that he left us…

We have no regret that only two of us was there when he left us

But the regret became a monster when we realise how much more we would have given him in this life and we are unable to do so because he has left us….

Dear Baby Boy

Angel of ours

Golden Child of the family

Sweet Jai

Mom n Dad misses you

Bang Pen, Kak Lin, Bedi n Telin still feels your presents amongst us….

But we know you’re in God’s hands now….and in good hands too….

We are accepting this as much as we can… don’t worry…

Be at peace….

Love you  Jai….So much….

-Al Fatihah-

Got into a small disagreement with my mom last night…

"Mom"- why can’t u stay with us? what is wrong with saving your salary if you can?

"Me" - It is time mom…I want out…can we not discuss this any further?

"Mom" - No, we cannot stop. you r wasting your money when you can perfectly save it for better use..

"Me" - I just want to stay on my own…

"Mom" - ………..suit yourself

After a very long time,,,

I finally have the guts to stand up to them

Wasn’t what I expected it to turn out the way it is suppose to be….but hey nothing in this world is equally fair…

I gain a few things…lost a few things…got the upper hand on some things….smashed to the bone on others….

regret that it happened this way…definitely…that has been playing in my mind for the last fortnight… it is not an easy decision but I feel the need to make it so…

although the event went to the end with potholes and bumps as high as the mountain, at the very least…i got away in one piece…it is all I can be thankfull off for the moment..

I am still feeling the aftershock although it happened almost 2 weeks ago… which shows how deep the scar needs to be healed and how fragile my state of mind currently….(can’t even think straight to get the words out….shish!!)

I got 1 week before raya to close my job here and 1 week after raya to settle all task before moving on….. its slightly faster than I hoped it would be…but I guess I will SURVIVE…..

O…btw, why the F#$% does anybody care if I am born ill or not? this is my life… let me live on my own!!!

So I never made it a point to know where he goes…

For I believe in freedom to do as he please…..

As I expect the same from him….

So I never made it a pact to say yes or no…

More in trust that he knows what he is…

But yesterday my heart just stops beating…

Hearing the dreaded call I never thought coming…

And when both stood face to face…

His eyes tells all lies belying the words I hear in my mind…

Without speaking I gave him my thoughts…

Though painful it may seem…

It may be the best remedies he ever will need…

………………………………………

Broken bones though not so little…

Can only hinder his movement and injures none but himself…

But broken trusts though not so obvious…

Breaks us both even further apart…

And that is something we both know cannot be mend magically or forcefully overnight……

The Physician looked solemn and capable….

A word of encouragement that all will be fine…

Does the doctor knows what ‘FINE’ stands for?

Fear

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

In words I may sound to be…

But never in reality….I just cannot be…..

How dare he even suggest me not to worry…

Even parading in front of me in his walking stick?

Face all blue and shaking limbs?

So he really thinks he can get away that easily….

My thoughts be damned?

4 days missing and When I see him it means nothing?

I see…..

So it means nothing to him huh?

Then I suppose I shouldn’t go visit him in the hospital for the next 3 months?

Why should I?

When my thoughts means naught to him….

Heck…If he refuses even his parents help….

Who am I to contradict?

Suite yourself….

I found…

For the first time

The smile that I had forgotten for so long

I found…

For the first time

The feeling that keeps me going on

I found for the first time

The happiness I waved away to the winds

And this keeps me going

And this keeps me alive

And this puts me to smile

Hello sunshine…..

Its nice to see you again…

Starlight.. starbright…

Thanks for showing me the way

And Autumn winds…

I am glad you are around….

For this has been ages in waiting……

And this has been centuries in hiding….

I found you…. and I feel free….

Every morning I wake up

I would look up and wonder

Why the world spins around forever?

Why the sun rises bright and early?

And why the moon shiny and sparkly?

Every morning…

I see my life around me..

And I see all the faces that should mean something to me…

And I ask myself….. did it mean a lot?

For I know nothing of how life should be

and I know nothing why a life should be

I walk a journey that I do not understand the meaning

I took paths and crossroads not understanding why it must be

And I took the consequences and I took chances

Never really knowing the reason it has to be…

Yet I still walk the journey…never ending

And I still uses the road in front of me

And I kept on moving even though I don’t know why it should be…

and I kept on moving …

Yes I whine a lot…

silently….

Yes I scream a lot…

When the feeling strikes me..

Half of me pushes to make a point…

And the other half just trying hard to be ordinary….

Would it be a sin if I jump out of my regular size skin?

Would I be a drama queen If I let myself go free?

My conscience be damned!!! (that’s my half-non-ordinary mind thinking)

I couldn’t care less…

The other half however….. is tying myself up on guilt….(very unhealhty thoughts it says)….

There’s a raging war going on in my head…

There’s a bloodbath in my heart…

And none of them seems to be on the winnings edge….

Questions come and go….

But there doesn’t seem to be a solid answer…..

For life’s most important questions comes from the simplest thoughts and hearts desire….

And that in itself marks a crucial turning point in my life…

Until the day I take another crossroad…..

I believe I am free

To do lifes bidding as I need to be

Yet the twisted world has other plans

To mock my decision in front of my eyes…

Late that night I sat with you

O faithful brother O close to my heart

Truth and honesty that is what U want from me

Hence all my misery I spread in front thee

How cruel can it be

Damned me beneath my all strength and glee

Cut my walks and voice and need

Even pronounce the unthinkable to me

Don’t make decision I care naught

Don’t make decision I break from

Don’t force words into my mind

Don’t make rules I can’t abide

I am the young one

Follow ur rule follow ur steps

Never questions and pull tricks out of my hat

All that I have done

All that are ur command

I have grown

Young at heart I still may be

Wised to a level I needed to be

I am my own responsibility

I am my own territory

I am my own dignity

Siblings together now and forever

Minds are alike young and old

Stand tall together, side by side crouched low

A race means naught if words cannot

For we are of the same roots and boughs…..

We are people of the same….

I am really angry

for the things that hits me in the morning

I am really really angry

for the indecency that curses my doorstep and stubbornly refuse to leave

I am really not in the mood to play nice….nor am I in any mood to comply…

Yes I am selfish…Yes I am obnoxious…and Yes I am  Impulsive….

But there wasn’t a moment I did it with intent!!!!!

You pissed me off!!! O…you arrogant, supercilious, pompous, mongrel u……

I wish I had never known u!!!

I wish with all being I had not known u!!!

I wished!!!! thunders shoots down to earth just to smite u!!!

and even then I am still angry at u!!

and even then I am still upset with u!!!

and even then I never want to see u!!!

don’t ever come into my life ever again!!!

I’ve always known since small that I have this ability to not sit quietly  in one place less than I should have.

It didn’t bother me one bit about my unstable attitude as I know that no matter what, my restlessness is only due to my upbringing…..

I’m born overly pampered and suckered into the life of getting what I want and I will get it one way or another … (sheessshh… my alter ego has emerged!!!)….

Reflecting on the words written, I realize that no matter how I try to deny it (and I am Doing that currently!!!), along the way… hearts have been broken.. enemies created… and friends have left!!!!…..

I am on the brink of unrealistic reality!!!!! (ICE AGE MELTING!!)

I do not boast to have many who knows me….

Same time I do not pretend to have known many in return….(do I?)

But I know that there are those I have forgotten (both intentionally and unintentionally!) over the decades…..(yes.. i’ve lived more than One decade!!)…

It is unsettling when I think of it….. to know.. that I am in fact… actually a human being….

Full of its ups and downs and twisted fate and abnormality that god knows how hard I tried to avoid it……. a looped circle will always be a looped circle……(I have started to talk in riddles again…..*sigh*)

So…. As I continue writing in this blog….. My conscience spoked for the first time in…..(God ….has it been years?) Telling me that sooner or later I will have to fessed up to those effected around me before I leave a grave hole full of empty reconciliation…Here goes…

To R….whom I have known a short instance when I lived and breath in Melaka… Whom I treated like my own uncle( I know he resent this title…but that is who you are…)… …. I did what I had to do…we’re leading a separate life…I would forever be on edge with the thought of us as more than just friends….best that you continue as you are and so should I.

To K* who was forever patient and understanding….The Sun rises and sets down as expected…its the law of nature….but that is not who I am….I am… who I am….not a child you soo fond of protecting from this world….

D……who tried to spend time to understand me……I do thank you from the bottom of my heart….Though I never showed it in my actions and words…the gratitude is there……

M….I am glad that you finally decided to move on…..I will leave as this is what should happen…….live your life and be happy……

consequently, I do not apologize to those that I had hurt intentionally……. for the need was too great for me to ignore it…. it may be because It is better to leave it as it is…. but then again, maybe wounded…..I tend to lick my wounds a little bit longer than necessary….

A long list I have in my hand…….yet…I am currently not ready to open up to all my skeleton in my closet……suffice to say….I will continue when sincerity is upmost on my mind for the people involved….I would feel much better then… as I believe would the people around…..

**Aniq……I am dreadfully sorry.